When it comes to dating, we often ask the wrong questions. One popular conception is that there is an ‘I’m-absolutely-madly-in-love-with-this-person-and-hence-I’m-so-happy-to-be-in-this-relationship-phase,’ called the “Honeymoon phase.” The problem is that we are told that this is temporary. Happiness that good can never be eternal, it’s temporary. Gasp. Fine, we say with a little uncomfortable smile, I’ll live with it. “Ah, you guys must be over the honeymoon phase,” is a common expression we hear from our close ones at this point. We nod our head and agree with our friends. I have gone through it. You have gone through it. We all understand this is kind of a natural trend in all relationships – love or friendship. In fact, if you have not gone through it, we say its just a matter of time that you’ll go through an end of the “honeymoon phase.”
The question we never seemed to ask is “Why do we think such honeymoon phase in life is temporary?” Is absolute happiness and love in human life truly that short-living? People change. Priorities change. Society changes. And so does our love and our lovers. You cannot be forced to love someone. And you can’t force someone to love you. That’s just how life is, we say. True. I agree. But that does not mean your love and happiness has to be temporary. Our happiness and love in life, in honesty, really depends on us.
Take a step back. The honeymoon phase seems ‘absolutely amazing’ because we feel loved, happy, and excited all of a sudden. That is amazing and something special! Then something happens. Or nothing happens. It’s just all of a sudden ugly. And sometimes it gets too ugly to the point that you lose it and then all you can do is to end it. The End. It happens. But that’s not the only ending to all stories in life.
If what we feel in a “honeymoon phase” is a kind of happiness and love of life, what if we tried to spend more energy searching for the source of such happiness and love in life in general and don’t rely solely on our lovers? If we had learned to love ourselves and our life before meeting our lovers, we would have relied less on our lovers to seek love and happiness. He or she wouldn’t have been the sole source of oasis in your dessert-like-life. You wouldn’t feel so desperate and disappointed if something wrong happened. Things could still go wrong, but your happiness and joy in life is not controlled by a third party. Instead, you chose to be with him or her because he or she makes you happier to your already happy days and you are grateful that you could share your happy and unhappy moments with someone who could equally appreciate it with you. He or she becomes an additional joy to your life not the sole source of happiness in your life. And because we already know how to be happy and loving in our own life, his or her addition in your life is making your already tasty summer ice-cream more delicious by adding chocolate sprinkles. It’s great to have them! But for a very different reason.
Of course, this may all depend on both lovers perspective of life and love. If only one party is able to recognize this value and practice it, the other party may be digging a grave for him or herself before he or she realizes it. In addition, the process of learning how to find ones happiness and loving oneself is not always clear or easy. It takes time and sometimes the best lessons are learned when you fall down, break your heart, feel lost, and wander around in the forest alone. But it is a worthwhile investment. In fact, the best investment you will make in your life-long-bank. Your lover, no matter how much he or she loves you, is a variable that is always forever changing. And so are you, you are changing too. So putting all your source of happiness and love solely in that person is not a wise long term investment. Instead, you can chose to be happy by sharing what you have and receiving what the other party would like to share with you. Furthermore, if we learned how to be happy, how to love ourselves, and how to love others on our own, we’ll be able to enjoy a more confident and happy loving life. There will still be many bumps, ugly memories, and disastrous moments, but you won’t feel like your pushed to a cliff that is thousand miles high.
Perhaps then, we may be able to enjoy a more long living honeymoon phase in life.
Copyright © 2014. Monica H. Kang, All Rights Reserved.